Mile High Stewie


Check out my modeling/promotions/activism page at www.facebook.com/stewie5420
This is a collage sample of my work with a few different photographers. =]

collage

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Sex. Why I don’t have it. *GROAN*

I wanna talk a little about my views on sex and where I personally stand on it. I have no reason to lie, and plan to be pretty raw with this one about my own personal experiences.

Let me start by saying that I generally do not judge people for their sexual choices (sometimes I find myself questioning others choices, but I always try not to judge). I have a friend who was a professional prostitute for 15 years (her career), and have many friends who participate in some pretty kinky shit with multiple people at once (I’m a part of the swinger and BDSM communities). I feel it is not my place to judge a person based solely on their sexuality or desires. That said, I have found that my experience with sex has been very different than the majority of people I am around or know. Which is why I wanted to write my thoughts on it.

When a man asks a woman how many people she’s been with, he pretty much expects her to lie. As do the women who ask men this question. I never ask people these types of questions because I expect the same lies, and it’s none of my business. I personally hate being asked about it, because I’ve been called a liar. But I don’t get too offended, because I totally understand why people expect that.
In my experience, being a female who is generally always surrounded by men and very few women, I’ve gotten to see a perspective on things that other women often never do. This has always been one of the bigger reasons I have a really hard time having sex with new people.

I hang out with a lot of guys, and the best explanation I have for that: I have just always been that way. I’m a laidback person, so people tend to feel comfortable with me. And because most of my friends are male and know I’m always around males, they have a tendency of spilling things to “the guys”, including me in that simply because they’re used to it. Men are different around other men, and it’s taken some deep infiltration to get to see that side of men. For example: when you’re sitting around a circle of males, and there is more than one person there who has slept with the same female, you can almost guarantee they have or are talking about it. Even if you only sleep with one person casually, you can pretty much expect it to be talked about between friends. I can not tell you how many conversations I’ve heard with my male friends about how *messed up* (to put it nicely) some girls … ahem…. private-areas are. This is a huge reason why I restrict myself and give basically nobody a chance.

As far as myself, I have no problem being open about my experiences and sexual choices. I feel there is no reason to be ashamed and your story can’t mean anything if it isn’t the story actually being told.

I have had two boyfriends my entire life. The second of which was my husband and the father of my son. I have had less than a handful of one-timers and a fling in which I loved the guy but never dated him. People rarely believe me when I tell them I have a goal of dying having slept with less men than I have fingers. So far, I can still make that goal. But it makes me very careful and very picky. 
I was raised in the church. Lots of different churches. I would never say that church is the answer to promiscuity, any more than I’d say that promiscuity makes a person bad. *But* with that said, I did learn a lot of my morals from my years in church, as well as knowledge about the reality of sex and relationships. I had a pastor who once told me that if you want a relationship, to act like you’re already in one. That stuck with me. He talked about not going out all the time all late at crazy hours (even though you’re single), how to keep your name/reputation clean, etc. He taught me that the way you act is the type of partner you will attract.

There are lots of reasons based out of my time in churches that effect my stance on sex.

One of them being that for years, I never explored my lesbian side. I had always been aroused by women, attracted to them, to some extent, but because of all the years in churches telling me this was not real, and it was wrong,I never explored that until I was 21 and in a marriage that was about to end. It started out as a desire to swing (only with other females) with my husband (which we explored, and he was WAY less into than me), and has since transformed into almost-full-blown lesbianism (sexually moreso than romatically, for me, though). I will admit that I do not count my female partners and if I did, would probably be onto toes by this point, and that I have way less reservations about it than I do with men. 

But with men, I’ve always been different. I’ve always had this sort of, fear, about having new partners. For all the reasons I’ve named, and a few more I haven’t:

The less men who can sit around and talk in detail about my body or va-jayjay, the better. I’m friends with all guys. I know how this works by now.
When people call me ‘slut’ or try to use sexuality in an offensive way toward me (because it seems this is often the first way the insults go in arguments), I can laugh it off easily because I know that I’m really rather deprived. *LAUGHS ASS OFF*. This is important because I do model, and people are always assuming I’m a slut too. This way nobody can say, “she blew her way to the top” with any validity, and it bothers me none.
My mom had 4 different babydaddy’s, and it’s something I just can’t respect. So for my son, it is best that there are very few men around in that manner.
I’m kinda shy about having sex. I mean, not when I’m doing it, but I’m shy about revealing that part of myself to people.
When I do have sex, my style can be overwhelming to the average Joe. So rather than scaring him away, I just refrain, because boring sex isn’t something I’ll settle for. HaaHaaaa.
I have PTSD-type issues with sex, so even though I could easily have sex with no issue, I prefer not to because I don’t appreciate people who aren’t sensitive to those types of things.
Besides, I very rarely am attracted to men at all sexually, so that lowers my options a lot.
And lastly, sex regret. I don’t want to have sex and then regret it. Most of us have felt that, and it’s wayyy easier to simply avoid it. Besides, in order to keep my numbers lower I’d rather have sex with somebody who I know I would or will later too. 
I have heard so many stories from young, young girls, who have admitted to me that their numbers are in triple digits. By the time we graduated high school, one of my best friends at the time told me she’d been with 64 different men. Which is fine, and her choice. But for me, it’s just undesirable. (Not the girl, the action).

I just know that I still have faith in having a life partner, and even if I never get married again or I don’t have a “forever” relationship, I still very much want to keep myself good for them or anybody I choose to be loyal and consistent with. I want my body to be the least used possible. I prefer to have sex with only one man, and to love him and be loyal to him. I see so many women who sleep with so many men right away, and then they find issues within relationships that I know are directly linked to their former promiscuity. 

The only real problem I find myself running into, at least these days, is I have sexual desires for a man an no way to get those needs met. It’s like, because I really don’t have any dating prospects in my life, I either don’t get laid, or I have meaningless sex. Unfortunately for me, I have no exes around I can get my fix from, and my son’s dad is off limits for obvious (or maybe not) reasons. But because I literally can’t bring myself to one-night-stands or adding all types of new people to my list, it sort of puts me in a predicament. To be honest, it seems like the only real way to get it handled is to find a FWB. A friend with benefits. Because I don’t have sex with people I don’t plan to have sex with again, and that way I could get my fix when I needed it too, without all my overthinking and complications. But it seems finding a FWB who is just a little but more than a booty call but not a relationship is nearly impossible anymore. People expect easy sex and they aren’t always willing to do much work for it. If I was going to have a FWB I’d want somebody who I could call for rides here and there, or could hit up to smoke some weed with (it’s legal here in Colorado, please feel free to judge me) on occasion when I’m lonely, but still could go about my day with nothing to worry about with them, because he’d be laidback enough for that, but still not a total d-bag looking for an easy booty call… But then again if I found a man that was laidback, met my sexual needs, didn’t talk about it, and still was willing to be a friend in other ways, I’d probably be in a relationship by now because he seems about as rare as me. *Haa. Haaa.*  I would prefer to love a man and sleep with him with meaning, but what do you do when you have (in my case, very occasional) needs and morals that restrict those needs being met?! HaHa that’s probably a post for another day. Between my own high standards for dating and sex, rare sexual interest in men (generally), ability to read people quickly, and my ridiculously strong conscious, it seems like I’ll be in a dry spell for a while. Ha. fucking. Ha. Oh that, and the fact that there’s a drought in the sea of “bigger fish” has left the male population with any respectability, rather limited. There’s not exactly a bunch of eligible bachelors out there walking around with morals matching or exceeding mine, either.
 As usual, no edit; total freewrite, and I know I’m rambling. I’m sure I had lots more to say but I’ll come back later if that’s the case.

Modeling’s been fun, my son has been happy, healthy and growing, and I’m about to finally move into a new place to live next week (I think) after months and months of bouncing around and having nothing consistent since leaving my ex husband. So life is good. Here’s a little something from a photo shoot for my readers. ;] Thanks for reading!!!

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Promo shoot for underground horrorcore artist Franky Grudge

Promo shoot for underground horrorcore artist Franky Grudge

Photography by: ShoxXxz Photography and Graphics
Another pre-edit shot from the promo shoot with/for Franky Grudge.
What I loved about this shoot was that it was intended to portray a meaningful story of his life and past addictions and what he overcame through his experiences, specifically doing prison time and how it changed him. It was a very symbolic shoot, which was a huge honor to be involved in. Besides, we do model well together, wouldn’t ya say?
Even though poor Franky was super-dork nervous to start. Not nearly as scary as he looks

Promotional Photo shoot

Promotional Photo shoot

Photography by: ShoxXxz Photography and Graphics, based out of Denver, CO.
Another shot from the promo shoot with/for Franky Grudge.
What I loved about this shoot was that it was intended to portray a meaningful story of his life and past addictions and what he overcame through his experiences, specifically doing prison time and how it changed him. It was a very symbolic shoot, which was a huge honor to be involved in. Besides, we do model well together, wouldn’t ya say?
Even though poor Franky was super-dork nervous to start. Not nearly as scary as he looks

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The little girl who cut for 7 solid years… The little foster girl they locked away for 6 of those years and made believe was nuts. The girl who nobody listened to about her new fancy adoptive parents until the (not irreversible) damage was done. The food stamp living and babysitters in the ghetto I wasn’t allowed to play outside in because of my light skin. The teenager who almost listened to her first boyfriend when he said weed would make her ugly. The girl who trusted her brother, whose friends set her up after a long day of sniffing Xanax bars. The girl who quit meth, cocaine, alcoholism and addiction while homeless in the winter of graduating high school. The girl who wasn’t even gonna graduate high school.
If I was able to find peace and love and wisdom within myself… if I, the girl who was her own worst enemy all her life, could learn to love me…

Keep your head up. This too shall pass. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens exactly as it should. Whether you credit God or the Universe or whatever… there is a bigger plan. No matter what happens, THAT’S OKAY. You have to learn that what you feel or want is unimportant to what actually happens. Sit and accept life. Seeking it out in desperation is counterproductive. And remember that really you’re just a witness to the bigger picture playing out. Work hard, and every day strive to be the best at everything you do. Learn as much as you can every moment, and act in a way that any moment could be a business opportunity. Always have faith and try to be a really good person. Remember that in a second anything could be stripped away in a heartbeat, so learn humility. And no matter what you go through, you should be just fine. =} #StayPositive #StayTogether #HighVibes

I got messaged by a UC after handing my card out in a 420 outfit

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One thing I wasn’t prepared for was that the reality of being a voice for marijuana or creating a career based around it, is flying high on police radar. I expected some negativity from people who view me as a criminal or “bad” but the reality of never being left alone by the govt. or being treated like a suspicious criminal is hitting me. I was handing my card out during a photoshoot in Downtown Denver, dressed in a shirt that said “420” on it, and ending up handing it to an undercover cop. I got a message the next day from some random person asking me to get them pounds of marijuana. Obviously, I said “No”, but in MUCH more impolite terms.
 Every cannabis based business or advocate gets messed with. But it’s going to take people fighting back (and actually respecting the business and legal aspect of it) to stop the targeting and discrimination. JUST BECAUSE WE’RE PRO WEED DOESN’T MAKE US CRIMINALS AND SHOULD NOT MAKE US TARGETS. All that said, HAPPY TUESDAY! #HighVibes

Resilience

stew

Unstoppable growth; I’m like that marijuana plant* Forward Motion Only; attempt to slow me but you can’t* Statistically speaking I ain’t supposed to be here.* But I wake to break odds and statistics are nothing but mere/ Lies to fill a knowledge not our own but of surroundings* The eye roll whines of the enemy so loud that shit’s resounding* Know enough to know I’m not the best nor I the first* Attempt to break mi soldada soul, consequences are the worst*No fist, no bullet, no bloodlet shall you need*My sheer ability to bounce back resiliently… see..*Few actually see the cycle for what it really is. Even fewer break the cycle; their prerogative. Will it and it will, they say. But a will like mine not another soul could break. If you’re trying to be unique, I’ma say it to your face. If you gotta try to stand out, you’re doing it the wrong way.* #HighVibes

City Slick

City Slick

Urbanette
First Day of Spring
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So, I’ve been modeling. Yeah. Shocker. I just started doing shoots in the past month and a half, and I’ve gotten to work with some really amazing people. I’ve been very, very busy, so now you know why I haven’t been on wordpress much. I want to continue my blog. And I will, just as soon as I get internet and my new computer up at home. Bear with me. And hey, feel free to check out my page and show me some love. http://www.facebook.com/stewie5420. I’ll be posting all my photos from my shoots soon! Keep an eye out!